As you know my blog is not just about weight loss or health or recipes, but also some real life – right from my own home to your computer screen. So, today I want to share with you all something that has been weighing heavily on me.
Over the last week or two I have seen two families specifically being mentioned on Facebook who have suffered an unimaginable loss – the loss of their children. One mother lost two of her children and her husband in a tornado, the other mother lost her own mother and her two children in an accident.
As a mother of a son who passed, whenever I see stories of parents who are suffering a loss it always hit me directly in the heart – hard. But in these two stories of these women I see them posting and talking about their faith. I will admit, I am jealous of their courage during this time that is so unbearable for a parent to endure.
Yes, I know we should not be “jealous” but I don’t have another word to describe it. For me I was at a complete loss of words, actions or even wanting to move or take a step. I was angry at God, I blamed myself, I blamed my husband, I blamed the doctors… I was sure that God was punishing our family. Yet here are these two women – so strong in their faith that even their loss which is unimaginable to anyone who has not been there like I have continue to walk with faith.
In a way I can see how their faith is working. The only place I could go after my son’s funeral was church on Sundays. It was the only place I felt “okay”. When I was not there to say I could barely function, to say even very simple things like eating or showering were too hard for me to accomplish would be an understatement.
Last night I had the opportunity to watch the Movie “Heaven is for Real”. The part that made me burst into tears was where the boy in the movie met his sister and again when he describes his sister to his parents. Even though she died in the womb she was a young girl when he met her. My mind was flooded… will Austin be a young boy when I meet him again? Am I missing him grow up? Instead of feeling at peace I now have SO many more questions that I wish I had the answer for.
I replayed that scene of the movie several times, sobbing uncontrollably.
So here I sit, contemplating life, death and Heaven once again – missing my son and wondering what its like there for him – what will he be like when I meet him again? I know there are many other parents out there like me. Just know that you are not alone in your questions or your quest for peace.